Wednesday, April 14, 2010

T & A

I love clothes. Truly, getting dressed in the morning is fun for me. I pride myself on knowing what works for me and putting the total package together. But before you put on your clothes, you put on your under garments. And is it equally important to get that right.

With this topic I think it will be easier to point you in the right direction by giving you some no-no's.

Let's start with the "girls". There are 2 of them, and by them I mean boobs. Refrain from either the "uniboob" or "quadraboob".

Uniboob. Uniboob occurs when your bra creates the illusion that your boobs are shaped like a watermelon across your chest. Most commonly caused by a sports bra or shelf tank. You are allowed uniboob when working out... that is it.

Quadraboob. Quadraboob occurs when your bra is too small and there is an indentation between the top half of your boob and the bottom half, which creates “4 boobs”. Quit lying to yourself about your size and get a bigger bra.

Nude does not mean invisible. Don’t let your bra show. Ever. They make backless bras if you buy a shirt like this. This is horrendous!

Bra straps. Don’t let your bra strap show. Ever. You can buy a cool little clasp that hooks your straps together in the back to keep them in. Or you can wear a strapless bra. In a pinch, I’ve even used a paperclip to hook them together in the back. Nothing screams WT louder than your strap hanging out!

Back rolls. This unsightly buldge occurs when your bra is too tight around your back and your back bacon spills over the top. Just get a bigger bra. Please.

1.  Your boobs should hit halfway between your elbows and your shoulders (thank you Clinton Kelly). I will give you a minute to go look in the mirror... okay.
2.  Go get a fitting from someone proper. The nice lady at Nordstrom’s always knows what she is doing. She’ll even let you cry in the dressing room when you find out you are relegated to ugly bras because you are a DD.
3.  Get a strapless bra if you need it. Get a nude bra to wear under light colors.

Now the butt. I have fewer complaints about this, but want to address a few big no-no's.

VPL. VPL's are the devil. This stands for Visible Panty Line. Figure it out. Either get bigger pants, wear spanks, get a thong, I don’t care. Just figure it out.

Unibutt. The unibutt is a fast growing epidemic in the older generations. This is where your butt looks like you have one butt cheek instead of two. I have Spanks, this is different. I honestly don’t know what is the cause and I hope I never have to find out. It is like diaper-panties or something! If there is a medical reason you need to have this type of undergarment, then you need to stick to a-line skirts.

Camletoe.  Again, mostly a problem when you are wearing workout clothing. The camletoe can best be described and cured by visiting this site. My friend Shannon, started Camleflage just for this issue. Go fix it. Since there is now a solution, this time you don't get a hall pass when working out.

If you try to argue with me on why you can commit one of these fashion sins, you will lose. This public service announcement brought to you by QueenB.  You're welcome...

...QueenB Says


  1. LMFAO Betsy!!!!! These are too funny!!! I think you have addressed all the female fashion disasters. And with humor. Great job!!

  2. Thank you for being brave enough to address the epidemic at hand. It seems like common sense "butt" a lot are lacking in this department. (Pun intended)!

  3. Thoughts while reading:

    I like to call the uniboob "cyclops".

    Why would anyone lie that their boobs are smaller?

    Mmmmmm Bacon.

    Just ordered a camelflage. I hope that it give me "Confidence and protection - whether you’re at the gym, at work, or a night out on the town." The guys at the gym are going to love it!

  4. You can never publish information like this enough! Great read!